what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
