I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
