I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize