The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
