i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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