I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
