Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
