I have demons in me.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
