apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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