She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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