I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize