Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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