I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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