Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
