Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
