First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
