Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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