Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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