2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I deserve this hangover.
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