If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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