I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
