They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
cat food counts as protein by the way
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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