I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
