Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
