Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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