Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
