I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I supernannyed him into submission
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize