I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
