So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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