i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
