she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
