But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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