drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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