What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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