hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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