I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
