my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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