I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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