Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
