ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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