I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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