3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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