What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
