On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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