I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
