Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
