I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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