a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
