Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
