So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
