one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
