Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
