sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
