We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
