My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
