all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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