proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
