Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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