So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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