Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
