Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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