Ketchup is God's man juice
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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