so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
