i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
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