Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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