i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
