I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
