I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
