why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There's always time for handjobs
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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