Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
