It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
