why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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