Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just google imaged poop.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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