a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
